Soon the mad weekend torture of Black Friday will be on us once again, as frantic shoppers traipse down to their local electronics and gift-stuffed megastores to slap up a better deal on things that’ll likely be obsolete by next Black Friday. Whether you’re desperate for this shopping bonanza or plan to avoid it like a new Covid variant, here’s everything you need to know about dealing with this new ‘holiday’, and how to make the most of your descent into commercial hell.

1. Here Be Deals

When it comes to sales, the bigger and cheaper something is, the better. Sure, maybe not everyone has the space for a plasma TV, but I’ll be damned if I’m not going to at least try and fit a 75” screen across 60” of wall space. The best deals can often be found online beforehand, and it’s always worth doing your research when it comes to price-hunting. It’ll save you the mad scramble on the day if you know beforehand exactly what you’re looking for and where you’ll find it.

Do your research in advance, check what the stores you like and frequent are doing. There may also be loyalty bonuses for those who have memberships or are regular customers at certain places.


2. Know Which Businesses to Plunder

Some businesses thrive for Black Friday, and some really don’t. It’s going to save you a lot of hassle to know which ones do beforehand, and where you’re likely to get a bargain from. If it ships anything technological or cosmetic, you can almost guarantee there’ll be a Black Friday blowout. Look on the websites for anywhere you might want to go this week, I guarantee there’ll be a section on whether they’re doing any special deals for this ‘holiday’.

3. Holiday Packages for Sale

Is there someone special in your life who deserves some time off to sail the seven seas? Give them the gift of a discounted holiday, you’ll be amazed at the absolute bargains you can find that can be turned into life-long happy memories. Take a trip down the Nile or a walk through the Andes for the same price as a city break in Europe. You never know what you can snap up either for yourself or someone you know, especially to places you might never have thought to go. Oaxaca in Mexico, Hiroshima in Japan and Bavaria in Germany come to mind. Why not take a chance and see where you end up? It could quite quickly become your new favourite port in the world.


4. Toy Drought A-Comin’

If you’ve got any young people in your life expecting toys for Christmas, better grab them now while the going is good. There’s rumours of a toy shortage approaching on the horizon, and you don’t want to be left empty-handed when all the Lego sets and Barbies are gone. Get those brightly coloured monstrosities now and stash them away somewhere dark where they can wait until the day they’re torn open by grasping sticky hands. Be sure to get the best deals from The Entertainer, Smyths and Toys R Us. Oh no wait, maybe not that last one actually…


5. Cyber Monday is Ashore

Here’s one of the newer additions to Black Friday, and proof that any remote reason to mark a day as special can be needlessly extended to a whole week and into the next. Cyber Monday is in spirit the online extension of Black Friday, where you can pick up cheap TV series, games, subscriptions and other things to download rather than physically leave a shop with. Check out places like Amazon Prime, the Kindle Store, the respective webstores for Playstation and Xbox, you’ll be amazed by what you could download for cheap and keep yourself entertained with throughout the dark winter months ahead.


6. Batten Down the Hatches, Nothing for Us Here

Through all this talk of landing deals and netting big scores, there’s one group of people we haven’t talked about; anyone who absolutely hates Black Friday and wishes nothing but bad things on those who partake. Now, that may be a bit harsh, but there’s some truth to it. If there’s nothing in it for you already, you’re going to have a hell of a time if you accidentally run into the capitalist crush. Be careful to avoid the shops detailed above over the upcoming weekend, and order whatever you can online so that things arrive straight to your door. Just be aware of possible shortages and delays, as all systems will be stretched to capacity for the next week.


If it’s too much for Captain Jack Sparrow, it’s too much for anyone…


There you are, every detail you need to survive and thrive in the upcoming Black Friday chaos. Don’t be scared, go in knowing what you want and where it is, and you’ll come out with some new rewards and your dignity (mostly) intact. Don’t be a slacker, be shipshape and ready.